i don't like sucking hair
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
