I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
