Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
