how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
