Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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