I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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