My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
