Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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