he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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