I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
