I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
