The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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