mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
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I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
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I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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