My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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