I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
