so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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