someone threw a dead crab at me
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I AM VODKA MAN
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
