3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
