I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
