you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
