You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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