What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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