he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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