i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
