Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
