my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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