her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
