I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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