Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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