i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
