So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
