possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
