someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
