If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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