awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
