My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
