Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
