I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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