We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
