The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
