He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
