my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
