i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
