just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
this boner is exhausting
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
