I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize