i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
