I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
All the doctor said was why
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
