What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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