her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
