My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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