everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
