I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So many bounce houses so little time
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
