I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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