I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
