Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
