I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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