You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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