Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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