sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
