defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
