I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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