OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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