i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
